I’ve been gone for a week and I really didn’t want to miss any blog posts this month, but the reality is I just have not had the motivation to blog. I am not doing this to force myself to do this when I don’t feel motivated, I am doing this for fun.
I want to talk about my health for this post because it has been not the best this month, unfortunately. I was born with an extra bone in my left foot, it took 12 years for them to even find it. I was in pain for 2 years before they found it after I started complaining about it hurting. They took x-rays, they did tests, my parents took me from doctor to doctor, no one could find something wrong. Finally, we went to a orthopedic podiatrist who took one x-ray of me standing and there it was in all its glory. Come to find out, it had torn tendons because I am flat footed and that’s why I was in so much pain. During the 2 years since I found out what was wrong with my foot, I went to physical therapy but stopped because nothing was helping. I eventually started compensating the pain on my right leg, causing my hip to be in a chronic deep pain. I went to see my family doctor who referred me back to my orthopedic podiatrist. When I went to see, him he took another x-ray of my foot but would not listen to us about my hip (which was the main reason for the appointment), he did manage to find that my calf muscle was very tight but he did not want to consider surgery because he thinks that physical therapy is able to help that. So now I am going to physical therapy 2 times a week and am seeing my family doctor who can do chiropractic adjustments. We have had an x-ray done on my hip but of course it was normal, so currently I am on crutches. We also still have no clue as to why my hip goes in and out of a deep solid pain that sometimes puts me in tears. I seem to hurt worse when I do a lot of standing or walking or a lot of sitting on a hard chair or surface, but of course when I go to therapy I feel almost normal on most days and I don’t hurt until the end but we cannot find where its coming from. If you have ever had a medical mystery you know just how stressful and emotionally straining it is on you and everyone who cares about and for you. You think the worst things possible because that’s just our human instinct.
As you would imagine, being on crutches is stressful. I have had more doors slammed in my face in the last 2 weeks than in my entire lifetime. I have had to rely on so many people like never. As a person with anxiety, I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to having to rely on others. I do not like having my independence taken from me just like that. I get extremely down and sad and very emotional just about every day since I’ve been on these crutches. I walk through the halls trying to have a simple conversation with my friends but I can’t because I am holding my breath so I don’t start crying because I’m physically tired, emotionally drained, and physically in pain. For crying out loud I can’t even walk myself to go pee before class because it takes me forever.
I know I started my blog because I wanted to help others. I know I’ve done nothing but complain about my problems but the truth is I might feel like I’m falling apart but I’m not broken completely. I could always not be able to drive or I could have cancer. I know that’s very broad but the point is I have no problems compared to what some people have been through. When I’m walking through the halls holding back tears, I tell myself “fake it till you make it Kiley!” I force myself to go as far as I possibly can, because I know it makes me feel like I can do it. I can show myself that I can reach goals, it just takes discipline. Self-discipline that is! It takes courage but you can do it, I was never the person to ask for prayers for myself because I felt selfish when I did that. The truth is though, it’s the least thing from selfish and you should never be afraid to ask for prayer. God knows when you’re in need and even if you don’t ask other people for prayer you should always be praying for yourself!! I learned the hard way and when my best friend told me how silly I was being I was humiliated and I realized I’m afraid to ask for prayer because it makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty because I don’t like asking for things, I am one who serves others and will serve others until I am physically unable. Serving others makes me who I am, but God is not going to judge us because we ask for prayer. He will not think we are selfish! So, if you are hurting or are feeling guilty about asking God for help, please don’t feel guilty!! YOU ARE WORTHY and are NOT guilty of anything!!
If you need someone to talk too or want to share your story, please feel free to contact me! You are not alone, even if I was not here, God is!
Peace Out- Kiley
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